Asexual Awareness Week 2023: Alyson’s Story
Alyson’s story reminds us that we are never too old to claim an identity. Especially considering the lack of information that was around regarding asexuality for so long, there are many stories like hers where older folks are coming into their asexuality later in life.
And it’s a joy to witness.
Alyson’s story is the last individual journey we’re going to share with y’all for this year’s coverage of Asexual Awareness Week. She talks of religion, marrying young, and confusing her sexual identity as a response to past traumas. Read on for Alyson’s story of her journey into asexual awareness and happiness.
How old were you when you realized you were asexual?
30
What was the process of discovering your asexuality like for you?
I discovered I am ace in the midst of discovering other aspects of my queer identity later in life. For me, it was a part of unpacking compulsorily heterosexuality and a lot of other aspects of my identity. I was raised in a religious environment and afab so there were a lot of ways I was socialized to perform and just do what was expected of me that I did not question.
Additionally, because I have a past with trauma I thought that some of the way I felt was a trauma response. Once I left my religious environment and went through years of therapy I realized a lot of what I felt was not connected to either of those things. I started watching Heartstopper and related a lot to Nick’s experience of being bi which led me to question my sexuality and connect to other people online who helped me figure out that I am also ace.
What part of the asexual community do you identify as? Can you explain how that plays out for you and in your relationships?
I identify as panromantic ace or possibly grey ace sometimes. I got married young because of my religion and abstinence was expected. After being married for many years, realizing that I am ace has improved my relationship a lot. It has helped us both be more honest, practice better communication and consent, and understand each other better.
I also accept myself more instead of thinking there is something “wrong” with me which has generally led to me being happier, and more confident and made my relationship healthier by extension.
In my other relationships it does not affect me much besides before I could not understand some of my friends’ relationships and dating issues but now I know we just see things differently because sex and sexual attraction is/was not a factor for me when dating. I saw it more as a nice to have or something fun but not a reason to break up with someone or something to build your relationship on. Now I can see why I may feel that way and other people feel differently.
Are you ‘out’ as asexual?
I have told some people that I am ace mostly if they think they are ace and want to talk to me. Other friends know I am queer which is the label I choose to go by but generally, I am not out to my family or a lot of my friends. With my friends, a lot are still religious and explaining I’m ace also is connected to my other queer identities and honestly, I just don’t feel like explaining myself to them nor should I have to.
I also feel like because I’m married saying that I’m ace and then having to explain would be a bit invasive and unnecessary because a lot of people who don’t understand asexuality think it is about your sex life which for some people it is and for some, it isn’t. So I would rather not have that conversation with people because I don’t think it is their business and I don’t feel like explaining myself. I do share a lot of ace advocacy on social media and talk about my experience with my friends maybe without a label so they can come to their own conclusions if they want to.
What is something you wish more people understood about asexuality in general or your banner of asexuality?
I wish more people understood that the ace experience is really varied. I also wish that people knew you could be in a healthy relationship as an ace or with an ace as long as you have healthy communication. That interest in sexual activity or libido varies in aces just like it does in allos (non-aces). And that there are different ways to be attracted to someone or interested in someone that has nothing to do with sexual interest. For some people, those things are all connected in one but not everyone feels that way and that’s okay.
Who is your fave asexual character in film, TV, books, or any other kind of media?
My favorite ace characters are Tori from the Heartstopper comics and Aled from Heartstopper and Radio Silence who is Demi.
I also love all the books by Clair Kahn whose characters share my identity being Black and Ace and find looove so it’s cute.
Is there anything else you want to add?
Sometimes it can be hard to figure out you are ace on your own so I think just connecting with other people online, following ace meme pages and even reaching out to other aces online helps. Honestly, I just tweeted asking people for resources and a lot of people DM’d me with things and offering resources and offering to talk if I needed. Also reading books and following general ace discussion on Twitter helps too.
As we wrap up our individual stories for ace week this year, we want to extend a sincere thank you to all the brave souls who shared their stories and bared their beautiful faces on the internet. It’s not easy to stand up and share your journey, especially when there is so much conjecture about the very existence of your identity.
You’re all heroes in our eyes!
If you missed our previous Asexual Awareness Week features, you can check them out here. Follow us on X and Instagram for all queer stuff!
