Asexual Awareness Week 2023: Jasper’s Story
As we have extended our coverage of Asexual Awareness Week 2023 to ensure all the brave ace voices are heard, Jasper’s story resonates with us on so many levels. He talks of fearing being judged, understanding that he was queer but knew that his identity was also missing something else, and explains how ace people can have fulfilling lives and relationships void of sex and sexual activity.
Jasper talks openly about the importance of ace activism and why things like this series that we’re running are crucial for educating the population. If you read Jasper’s story you’ll meet a biromantic asexual man with many great things to say about this complex sexual identity!
How old were you when you realized you were asexual?
19, shortly after starting uni and questioning my identity for much longer.
What was the process of discovering your asexuality like for you?
The process gave me a lot of strong feelings: for a long time, feeling like I never felt in place and not really knowing what my identity was, it felt confusing – not because I didn’t know who I was, but because I didn’t know the word to describe myself. But lastly, after learning about asexuality, it felt freeing. The word that I had been looking for, without knowing I needed it. Suddenly everything fitted into place. It explained so much.
I had been aware that I was queer since I was 13, secret same-sex kisses in your best friend’s bathroom at a sleepover make that something you can’t really deny! But growing up in 90s – for most of my life at a conservative private, mostly religious school made that hard to be able to explore and learn. The only terms I heard were gay and lesbian, and even those were used as jokes or to bully people.
It took changing schools and being friends with an out, loud and proud gay man to enter the world of rainbow and joy to be able to to understand that being gay is more than okay. So naturally, once I’d accepted that, I realized that it wasn’t the full picture.
Beforehand, I would describe myself as “bisexual-ish” and I knew there was something missing, but I didn’t know what.
Then I learned what asexual meant; I had found the missing piece. It explained why I felt uncomfortable in clubs when people made advances that I didn’t reciprocate, it explained why my previous relationships had not done well, and it explained so many things I had previously not been able to understand. I was suddenly aware of this whole amazing community.
It all happened while I was in my first year of uni, and had gone to a talk from my LGBT+ society on asexuality and other aspec identities (aspec: a person on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrum). One that was absolutely life-changing, a space where I could sit back and learn about the aspec community, but specifically the identity I would resonate with, asexuality – the definitions, the myths, the truths – without having to announce anything and could sit and absorb the information. I was also able to speak privately to the guest speaker afterward and explain what I thought I might be feeling, without being judged.
What part of the asexual community do you identify as? Can you explain how that plays out for you and in your relationships?
I am biromantic asexual. For my relationships, this means I favor romantic and queerplatonic relationships over sex, regardless of gender. Often, people assume that aspec people – especially disabled asexual people like myself – don’t want (or are incapable of having) relationships, but this couldn’t be further from the truth for me. I am full to the brim of love and care so deeply for all my relationships, whether friends, family, or partners.
These harmful assumptions have consequences. This can lead to not only disabled aspec people feeling isolated, having no sense of community, and being rejected, but it has a real impact on our mental well-being too. I’m lucky that my queerplatonic and romantic relationships I’m in are also aspec or just ‘get it’, but that hasn’t always been the case, and I know for a lot of people, my relationships probably look weird, because it’s outside the mainstream norm.
I have a romantic long-term relationship without sex, and also a queerplatonic relationship with no romance. My romantic partner is my rock, my life partner and 6 years later still head-over-heels for, but my queerplatonic partner is my person. They are the shining light in difficult times, an amazing support system and I know we both are each others biggest fans.
Are you ‘out’ as asexual?
I am out as asexual, in all aspects of my life – personal, work, social media, you name it! I am out because awareness is not always about the stereotypes and hate that a group face (although I am very aware that us aspec folk definitely experience that; the discourse gets even greater around Pride Month), but it’s also about representation and education.
Aspec activism is so important to me because there are many previous me’s still out there, unknowing. Those who have no idea what asexuality even is, who feel out of place in the world, broken, and have yet to hear what it is and that it is okay to be asexual. Being able to show visibility as an out and proud disabled asexual man is part of that for me.
What is something you wish more people understood about asexuality in general or your banner of asexuality?
The existence of disabled aspec people. Often as a Deaf, autistic wheelchair user, I can feel excluded from both mainstream and aspec communities due to ableism, physical and communication accessibility of spaces and a lack of empathy, but disabled spaces are full of acephobia (often stemming from society tarnishing all disabled with the same brush that we can’t have sex), where I don’t always feel I can or should talk about my asexuality.
This is something that we need to work on. As a Deaf and disabled asexual man, I face double discrimination from LGBT+ and disabled spaces. Falling through the gap between both communities, and I am not alone, even if we can be made to feel like that.
Who is your fave asexual character in film, TV, books, or any other kind of media?
Isaac in Heartstopper!
We want to thank Jasper for sharing his story and being so candid with us all about his journey into himself. Jasper’s story is heartwarming because it reminds us that it does get better, happiness is possible, and ace is beautiful!
If you missed our previous Asexual Awareness Week features, you can check them out here. Follow us on X and Instagram for all queer stuff!
