Asexual Awareness Week 2023: Miya’s Story
If anyone needed a reminder this Asexual Awareness Week 2023 that representation is key to educating the general population about new and unchartered things, it’s Miya’s story. Young and happily asexual, the key takeaway to be noted about this asexual tale is that the people around Miya don’t understand their sexuality and aren’t taking the time to try.
Their understanding of what is proper in relationships with people sits outside of what an asexual person is capable of, and making them understand these nuances has been very difficult for Miya.
If there was more representation, if asexuality was more normalized, then alienation like what happens in Miya’s story is less likely to occur. Everyone deserves to love and be loved on their terms, in their way. That includes asexual people.
Are you someone who is struggling to help the people around you come to terms with your asexuality and its way of life? Miya’s story is likely to resonate with you then.
How old were you when you realized you were asexual?
I am 24 going 25 soon and have come to the terms that I am asexual very recently!
What was the process of discovering your asexuality like for you?
Coming to terms with my sexuality was a long journey and it took me a lot of self-reflection to realize that I am on the asexual spectrum. I have had celebrity crushes since I was young and I still do, which seemed crazy and childish to the people around me since I showed no interest in pursuing a relationship in real life. I never had the temptation or the desire to date anybody and have sex with them and the only times I did, it was an attempt to fit in.
However, for the people around me, it was not the same. For them, asking people out and becoming intimate with them probably on the first couple of dates was normal and easy, while I could not even fathom the idea of touching someone or hugging them when I’d just met them, let alone becoming intimate with them. It would take me a long time to get to that point.
As much as understanding the “culture” around dating was difficult for me and made me think there was something wrong with me, it was more difficult for people around me to see my point of view. People view sex and relationships as an achievement and one who refrains from it is viewed as subsequently failing an important part of their life and has done wrong.
I have been asked multiple times why I’m not seeing anybody and my answer is that I am busy since it is more convincing and less unconventional than explaining that I am asexual. Then, they usually go on a rant about the importance of having a relationship and having somebody to “take care of me” and support me so I would not feel lonely!
Along my journey, I tried dating apps and going on dates on the advice of my friends just to experience and see how it is and I had despised almost everything about it. When I was a teenager, I slept with my high school girlfriend and didn’t quite like the experience and I still remember it bitterly since emotionally I was not ready.
A similar feeling happened when I slept with a close male friend of mine two years ago since I thought I would be fine as I trusted them and felt comfortable with them. The experience ended our friendship as I could not look past the resentment I felt about our time together, again because emotionally I did not feel that connection and attraction.
Around me, there was no one with similar experiences and they were unable to relate to me. It led me to think there might be something fundamentally wrong with how I perceive myself, people, and relationships. However, very recently I came across the asexual term with a new perspective that made sense of everything I have been through and helped me feel comfortable and secure with myself and accept my sexuality.
What part of the asexual community do you identify as? Can you explain how that plays out for you and in your relationships?
As I mentioned, I have come to this realization very recently and I feel like demisexual would be the best label for me. However, I feel like the culture or the way that people view relationships leaves no space for someone like me who needs a strong emotional bond to feel attracted. Getting to that point requires time, effort, and patience which not so many people are willing to give. “Dating/hookup culture” is fast-paced and people get in/out of it rather quickly. Making an effort to truly connect with someone before being intimate is a rare occurrence.
Are you ‘out’ as asexual?
Not officially. I have discussed my experience and views with my close friends but I have not officially come out.
What is something you wish more people understood about asexuality in general or your banner of asexuality?
The first thing to understand about asexuality is that it is a spectrum and can be fluid. One can belong anywhere on this spectrum and there is no need for a fixed definition or label. I have seen on social media that asexual individuals are asked how they develop crushes or have a partner if they identify as asexual and are publicly invalidated for it. Understanding the term and learning more about it, can prevent or decrease any asexuality erasure instances for queer individuals.
The next thing to understand is that it is normal not to desire a relationship and not feel lonely. I would like more people to know that not having girl/boyfriend does not mean that there is something wrong with the person, be it with their appearance or mental state. There is no rule or need for someone to get a partner so they can be viewed as a “normal” person. Not every individual needs a significant other to make them feel supported and appreciated in their life.
There is so much to learn about this label and I hope more people take the time to educate themselves or others on this topic.
Who is your fave asexual character in film, TV, books, or any other kind of media?
I had not come across any asexual characters until Heartstopper season 2 which depicts Isaac’s (Tobie Donovan) journey to discovering his sexuality and coming to terms with it. I can relate to him a lot. His character helped me to understand myself better and make peace with myself.
Thanks to Miya for sharing this part of themselves with us all, especially considering they are not out with the people in their lives. In Miya’s name, and everyone else out there who is struggling with those around them, we’ll continue our quest for visibility and do our part to change the hearts and minds of people everywhere.
If you missed our previous Asexual Awareness Week features, you can check them out here. Follow us on X and Instagram for all queer stuff!
