Asexual Awareness Week 2023: Justin’s Story

This is the first time since we started sharing stories from members of the asexual community for Asexual Awareness Week that we’ve heard from a male perspective. Justin’s story is, as to be expected, different from the others we’ve heard from so far because he is an individual with his own life experiences and not just a label. However, his labels are definitely something that sets him aside from other folks we’ve already heard from. 

Justin identifies as biromantic demisexual, which is quite a different brand of asexuality than the blanket banner of ace-dom would have you believe. But this is why we’re doing this, because representation matters, and diversity within the asexual community is a real thing. 

If you read Justin’s story, you’ll also learn that he wants folks to know that asexual people are not broken, it is a real sexual identity and asexual people are valid. 

Read on for the rest of Justin’s story. 

How old were you when you realized you were asexual?

I was 38 years old when I realized I was on the asexual spectrum. It’s funny because commonly in online spaces the asexual community tends to trend toward people who are much younger than me. I also noticed this trend in my experience with offline ace groups too.

In my experience, I feel that asexuality is to a large extent often associated with a younger demographic, which can be an obstacle to people who are discovering their asexuality later in life, as I did.  

What was the process of discovering your asexuality like for you?

It was long and painful – but necessary, as I feel all important journeys of self-discovery tend to be. I made some very, very poor choices in my relationship life that hurt people who meant a lot to me because I thought that sex was something that I needed. But after a great deal of time spent in self-reflection (and an abusive relationship), I came to realize that it wasn’t sex at all that I needed, but the specific emotional connection and resonance I had with my partner. I could feel that strong sense of sexual attraction, but only to very specific people, in very specific contexts. Apart from that, I really didn’t sexually relate to anyone at all.

I know now that that identifies me as demisexual, one of many identities in the liminal space that is greysexuality, existing between normative allosexuality and what most people think of as asexuality in the strictest sense. In other words, ace. But for the longest time, I still didn’t think that asexuality or being ace was an identity I could claim. 

I still had some capacity for sexual attraction. I wasn’t averse to sexual activity. I didn’t fit the profile of the “Gold Star Ace” as Angela Chen discusses in her book Ace. I didn’t even think asexuality could be seen as a spectrum. A long-time friend introduced me to asexuality when they came out to me. I thought, “My experience of sex and relationships isn’t like theirs, so I can’t be ace.” It wasn’t until I did a lot more reading and introspection that I realized that there was a community for me, and an identity I could claim to help me better understand myself. 

Intertwined with all of that were the sexual expectations and assumptions I’d been raised with, that come with being a Christian cis man. I essentially had to deprogram myself from all of that, building up a new positive and constructively masculine sexuality that included asexuality. Studying and learning to read tarot cards for myself helped a lot with that. 

What part of the asexual community do you identify as? Can you explain how that plays out for you and in your relationships?

If we’re going to get technical, the exact label I use for myself is biromantic demisexual: A capacity for romantic attraction to more than one gender, and a capacity for sexually relating to only a specific with which I’ve had a very strong emotional connection.

In my day-to-day life, in my interactions with people outside the community, I generally just use the term “ace” (on the asexual spectrum) out of convenience, since explaining microlabels often involves time and energy that I can’t spare.

In terms of my relationship with my partner, we had a series of conversations where I had to go in-depth with where I am sexually, and what that means to my sexual and romantic relationships with someone I would be dating. I think that’s the lesson I learned: To be communicative about where you are sexually and to not be afraid to have difficult questions about your sexuality if and when they come up. 

Are you ‘out’ as asexual? 

I’m out with the vast majority of my friends, with the exception of a few around whom I’ve unfortunately learned to not openly discuss my sexuality. 

With my family, I’m not out. Having to go through the process of explaining it, again, would require a huge amount of emotional labor that I just don’t have the capacity to spare. 

What is something you wish more people understood about asexuality in general or your banner of asexuality? 

The inherent queerness of asexuality lies in its sexual non-normativity. We’re not broken. There’s nothing wrong with us. Asexuality isn’t a choice. It isn’t prudishness or pickiness. It is a real identity space where people can find themselves if they do not or cannot sexually relate to others in the way that society so often prescribes for us. 

It is expansive and spacious in how it defies and opposes compulsory sexuality. It includes BIPOC, disabled, and older people. It defies stereotypes. Asexuality further challenges us to imagine a world of relationships that doesn’t center on sex or sexual attraction.

That represents a powerful source of freedom for people who have been made to feel like they are defective because of society’s prescribed norms of compulsory sexuality, or religious Purity Culture. 

In the end, that is all it boils down to: the freedom to be your honest, genuine self.

 Who is your fave asexual character in film, TV, books, or any other kind of media? 

It would have to be O from Season 4 of Sex Education. I see O as an amazing person existing at the intersection of queerness and racial identity, who has confidently found herself in a role in her community where she’s been able to find a powerful source of connection and emotional resonance with others. It’s also important because she’s a young Asian woman, which is so important because BIPOC representation in the ace community is more important than it ever has been. 

My other choice would be Mal the main character in the novel Firebreak by Nicole Kornher-Stace. The way her aro ace-ness is portrayed is so wonderfully organic and genuine. Plus she’s a kickass fighter who’d do anything for her ride-or-die friends, especially if that means singlehandedly standing up to a post-apocalyptic megacorporation.

Is there anything else you want to add? 

Asexuality is radically inclusive. It’s radically vulnerable. It’s a sexual identity where sexually relating to no one or almost no one, is seen as something to be celebrated and honored, not as a sign of brokenness. In asexuality, there is ample room for marginalized people to make their voices heard, whether they be BIPOC, disabled aces, neurodivergent aces, trauma survivors, or older aces. 

Writers like Sherronda J. Brown and Shiri Eisner tell us that the forces promoting and enabling acephobia are the same who promote and enable transphobia, ableism, rape culture, and white supremacy. That is why it is so crucial for ace people to stand in solidarity with bi, non-binary and trans people, alongside neurodivergent and disabled people. While we experience oppression in our own contexts, our struggles are shared, and by fighting and standing up for others, we fight and stand up for ourselves as well.

Demisexuality and the demisexual experience definitely needs more attention. Some asexual people themselves struggle to understand and comprehend this part of their community so we want to extend the warmest of thanks to Justin for sharing his story in such earnest. 

We see you, we hear you, and you are valid. Like and share Justin’s story for education and awareness. 

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Featured image: Image Courtesy of Justin