The Asexual Journey: Why Representation Matters So Much
For Asexual Awareness Week 2023, we collected and published stories from around the globe of asexual folks willing to share their lives with you all. From this, we learned that there are many shared experiences in the asexual journey of self-discovery, but like with everything, there are varied and nuanced differences as well. One crucial component of this journey for these brave folks was the power of discovering vocabulary and community.
Some of the stories we published included people who didn’t discover their asexuality until later in life. Except that, it wasn’t their sexuality that didn’t present itself until later in life, it’s just that these people didn’t have the words to describe what they were feeling, and didn’t have the visibility of other asexual people around them to relate to.
The empowerment that comes from both of these things is so often life-changing for so many people. But thanks to the Internet and social media, vocabulary and community are now much more readily available to people.
Take Gina for example. A screenwriter in Los Angeles, Gina didn’t label herself as asexual until she was twenty-nine. She first heard the term on Tumblr where she frequented as part of the BBC Sherlock fandom.
“Many people thought Sherlock was in the asexual spectrum. It was the first time I even heard about asexuality and demisexuality, which was about 11 years ago (2012),” she says.
In a world that is so incredibly sexually charged, it can be a lonely place for our asexual community members.
“It’s important to have authentic representation because I wish I had ace characters to look up to when I was growing up. That would’ve helped me from not being as depressed that I was so different than everyone around me,” says Gina.
Popular YouTuber Jackie-Ross Lavender is adamant that visibility and representation are crucial for marginalized people to find solace in their identities, especially those in the throws of the asexual journey.
“I have known I was different for a very long time. I never felt like those around me growing up. I thought it was just because I was gay but that still wasn’t the answer. I assumed for so many years that it was because of the trauma of being sexually abused as a child and as a result, I was broken.
“It’s only been in the past two years since I was introduced to the works of Alice Oseman that I truly came to discover that asexuality exists and that we are whole. As I made my way through her catalogue of work, I started getting more and more answers to the questions I’ve been asking for so many years. It was by reading Alice’s book Loveless that I finally got the answers and understood completely that I am asexual,” he says.
Sex is so ingrained in societies all around the world that it’s no surprise that asexual people often report feeling broken in some way before discovering the asexual banner exists. Sex is in all the media we consume, it’s at the forefront of personal relationships, and the film and television industry continue to push the narrative that love and attraction automatically equal an unbridled, animalistic desire to remove each other’s clothes when in reality, that’s just not the truth for everyone. People can want relationships, and still not want that.
Jackie-Ross Lavender wishes asexuality was more normalized by society. “I wish people saw asexuality as normal. It’s so underrepresented that people see it as if there is something wrong, that you are not normal for not experiencing sexual attraction.”
The idea that because asexual people don’t experience sexual attraction means they are incapable of intimate relationships is also wrong. Take Silv, for example. She identifies as aroace and is currently in a loving relationship but she clearly stipulates that it’s polyamorous so “my girlfriend who is not ace like me can still have her needs met while not putting pressure on me. Whenever I date, the other person either has to be asexual like me or okay with dating other people.”
This works for her, and other ace people around the world have managed to find partnerships that work for them too. And then there are the asexual folks among us who just don’t want to participate in the world of love and relationships at all and choose not to entangle their lives in that way.
Cindy knew she was ace at a very young age and has never been in a romantic or sexual relationship and can’t see that ever changing about herself. Maeva hasn’t been in a relationship either, and she is quite content with the state of her personal life.
“For me, it was hard to accept myself the way that I am especially because our society today revolves a lot about sex. I always thought something was wrong with me, until I eventually made peace with my sexuality and accepted it. As for my relationships, I have never dated anyone actually and it really has nothing to do with my asexuality [who identifies as biro ace]. It’s not a choice of celibacy either, it is only because I simply just never got to find someone to be with. I always feel like love will come when the time is right and I don’t pressure myself for being single,” says Maeva.
If a variety of ways to love, to be loved, and to live were available to people within the media we all consume, it would be easier to change the hearts and minds of people about this sexual identity. The vocabulary around asexuality is relatively new, but that doesn’t mean that the asexual journey is new. Asexuality has existed for as long as humans have, but the quest to change the narrative around the asexual journey is just beginning. The A in LGBTQIA is not there by accident, and it’s not going away.
“I really wish more people understood that asexuality is an umbrella term and exists on a spectrum. Within the ace community, there are many ways for people to identify. I also wish they would understand that no, we are not broken. There are so many myths about asexuality too and I wish people would understand that every asexual individual has a different experience and each experience is valid. I wish they would listen to us too, and stop bringing us down when we speak about it by reducing our feelings and different experiences. And that people would be more inclusive of us and accept us for who we are,” says Maeva.
Silv echoes Maeva’s attitudes well. “People don’t have to fully understand asexuality, they just have to recognize the validity of our experiences.”
Asexual people are not broken, contrary to the many reports of feeling that way. Asexual people are not prudes, they’re not celibate (which is a choice), they’re not freaks and they’re not abnormal. Asexual people are everywhere, and they’re valid.
When we put a call out to the ace community hoping some brave souls would be willing to speak up and share their version of the asexual journey, we were unprepared for all the voices screaming to be heard. Asexual Awareness Week 2023 was an emotional one in these offices, and we’re so proud that we were able to bring you the varied ace stories from around the globe. We are sincerely grateful you shared your souls with us all.
Say it with us folks, representation matters. Always. Everywhere.
If you missed our previous Asexual Awareness Week features, you can check them out here. Follow us on X and Instagram for all queer stuff!
