Asexual Awareness Week: Karlee’s Story
We’re pretty sure that the story we’re about to share with you for our continued coverage of Asexual Awareness Week 2023 will resonate with quite a few folks. When the pandemic hit in 2020 and the world went into lockdown, many of us spent that time getting to know ourselves again, and learning things about ourselves that we might otherwise not have paid enough attention to. Many folks around the world report getting in touch with their queerness during this time. Karlee’s story is no different.
Karlee didn’t know or understand much about asexuality until she had this time to herself to learn. She reports that before this, she was uncomfortable with the queer label because she didn’t see herself reflected in other queer people around her. It was TikTok that armed her with the confidence to finally claim the queer banner as something for herself.
Karlee’s story is one that many asexual people will identify with. We hope folks everywhere take a moment to read this relatable story because we think Karlee’s story is more common than not.
How old were you when you realized you were asexual?
28 years old
What was the process of discovering your asexuality like for you?
I began exploring my queer identity when I was 27 years old. I experienced that pandemic *tik-tok, queer awakening* evolution that I think many folks resonate with who came out around this time! It began with just finding myself on queer tik tok and then this led to more and more questioning and curiosity. I did not know what asexuality was at this time, but in hindsight, I think it really played a role in my coming out process.
For the longest time, I struggled with labeling myself as queer because I did not feel as though my experience was something I saw reflected in other queer folks experiences. I did not feel like I was “queer enough.” I was searching for validity in my queer identity in the wrong places. I narrowed in so closely to every move and sensation I experienced. “I felt butterflies when we kissed, so it must mean I am queer…I think about this person in a romantic way, so that has to mean I am queer…I do not feel as though I fit in with heteronormative ways, so that has to mean I am queer…”
I would loop this conversation endlessly with myself and my therapist until eventually I realized I was asking myself the wrong questions and looking for validation in the wrong places.
To be honest, I do not know when I came across the first piece of content that introduced me to asexuality. I can’t remember what social media platform it was, but I quickly YouTube searched for a video on asexuality after being introduced to it. It was an incredibly emotional experience watching whatever video I found. I remember crying and holding both feelings of this resonates so deeply and also shoot, this resonates so deeply and I don’t know how I feel about that.
For a few months after, there was a dichotomy at play where at times I was so thirsty for more asexual content, and at other times, I could not engage with it because the more I engaged with it, the more real it felt. Engagement with asexual content was both grounding and distressing. It flip-flopped back and forth. When I felt a desire for a romantic connection, my asexuality was my biggest enemy. When my romantic relationships ended (frequently for sexual incompatibility) or I felt alone in my lived experience, asexuality content was my comfort.
With time, I have leaned into acceptance of my asexuality, I see it as a strength. My therapist once said something that stood out to me. For folks who experience a lack of a sense like hearing, for instance, other senses may be heightened, such as vision. I saw a parallel with this. My “sense” of sexual attraction is low, which makes other “senses” such as emotional connection and intimacy heightened. I feel as though I have the capacity for such depth and intimacy within relationships and I feel like part of that is because of my asexuality.
What part of the asexual community do you identify as? Can you explain how that plays out for you and in your relationships?
I identify as asexual and biromantic. I experience romantic attraction with all genders. I experience little to no sexual attraction. In relationships with folks, sex is a low priority to me. Intimacy is extremely important to me in a relationship, and it shows up in a very nuanced way. Intimacy could look like laying on a couch and touching shoulders, or it could look like checking in on one another each day and sharing the small moments in the day that feel kind of insignificant, but equally meaningful to share with your person.
Are you ‘out’ as asexual?
Not to everyone. It feels like such an intimate part of my queer identity and I thoughtfully choose the spaces I feel safe to share. I share with folks who I can predict may really see and hear my experience and not pathologize or invalidate it.
What is something you wish more people understood about asexuality in general or your banner of asexuality?
Just how fluid and nuanced it is. I think it is so easy to hear the word “asexual”, draw a really general conclusion, and stop there. There is so much beauty in the fluidity of the label. Take the time to ask folks what it means to them and be open to hearing about their experiences. There may even be parts of it that you resonate with and you never thought you would. There is so much depth to the label and I wish more folks were interested in learning about that.
Who is your fave asexual character in film, TV, books, or any other kind of media?
I resonate so deeply with Joy in the novel The Romantic Agenda by Claire Kann. She is an asexual character who experiences romantic attraction. Also Georgia from Loveless by Alice Oseman. I mean who doesn’t love Georgia 💜 !
Like so many other asexual folks, Karlee’s story hones in on the nuances and complexities of this sexuality. While there have been similarities in all the stories that we’ve shared so far, no two have been the same, further emphasizing the varied nature of the asexual banner.
We’d like to extend a sincere and warm thank you to Karlee for sharing herself with us all, especially considering she isn’t completely ‘out’ in all her spaces.
If you missed our previous Asexual Awareness Week features, you can check them out here. Follow us on X and Instagram for all queer stuff!
