Asexual Awareness Week: Heidi’s Story
What we love about Heidi’s story is that she was clearly in the throws of discovering her asexuality well before she had the vocabulary to understand herself or give herself an appropriate label. While the term asexuality and the concept has only recently been defined well, asexual people have always existed. And the wonderful thing about this is, we are never too old and it’s never too late to find community when it presents itself. This Asexual Awareness Week, we’re paying homage to all aces everywhere of all genders, ages, and races.
Discovering the vocabulary for herself at 52 years old makes Heidi’s story yet another unique example of the asexual journey. Queer people of all varieties come out later in life and it’s no less special and no less beautiful. The liberation of finding community and finally having the words to actually understand oneself is nothing short of miraculous.
Heidi now defines herself as a demisexual greyace panromantic. Read on for everything about Heidi’s story.
How old were you when you realized you were asexual?
I am 53 years old and this was a glorious revelation for me at age 52!
What was the process of discovering your asexuality like for you?
I think I have tangled up my asexuality with my introversion for my entire adult life. I was always and still am just as boy-crazy as the next person. But I did not date in high school. In the 80s in Bloomington Minnesota, we would ‘go with’ people. Notes passed would say ‘Will you go with me?’ With ‘yes’ and ‘no’ checkboxes.
What a weird phrase…not go steady, not even go out, but just go? Anyhow, I did go with a couple boys but whenever I found myself in a situation where there might be an opportunity or an expectation of even just kissing, I would become almost physically ill with nerves and close myself off.
Once I got to college I enjoyed a lot of making out (probably because I also discovered beer?) but never came close to having sex until I was 21. From there on, the only sexual partners were long-term boyfriends, the last of whom I married. And then divorced.
Looking back now on the demise of that relationship I can really SEE my asexuality long before I even knew it was a thing. My husband was a very inattentive partner, avoided the foundational bits of building a bond. So the sex stopped because that was the last thing on my mind in the absence of that emotional bond. Our first marriage counselor actually told me I needed to just have the sex and the emotional bond would follow.
After we split, when my friend and I would talk about dating, I started referring to myself as unsexual. I did not know the term asexual, except as a biological term for like worms that reproduce without partners. I think I just figured I had grown out of that phase and I was enjoying my life with my son and forming closer bonds with my friends.
I would still crush *hard* on boys and also girls at that point. The girl crushes always confused me because they were definitely crushes, with physical attraction, but I could never picture myself having sex with a girl. But picturing myself having sex with anyone is really just not a thing that my brain does. I have never once in my entire life had a sex dream.
A few years ago I started using the Twitter app regularly and someone on Trek Twitter quote tweeted ‘who was your first Trek crush’ with an image of Spock and text that said ‘I’ve always been ace’.
In that moment I was like…wait. Spock and Data are my Trek crushes…is that what I am? Is unsexual actually asexual?
I was sitting with a neighbor when I commented on how hot another neighbor is and he said, ‘Oh, you want to see him naked’, and I was like oh my god no! He was so (understandably?) confused by that answer. I started reading about asexuality and every moment of my life started to make so much sense! So many boys that I liked and as soon as there was any chance for getting intimate, I would close off because I didn’t want to have sex with them.
Like why would I run to first base if from there I would prefer to just head back to the dugout and how do I explain that to this person? And for the love of Sagan, why DON’T I want to have sex with this person I’m super crushing on? I couldn’t even explain it to myself. Twitter can be an absolute garbage hellscape but it has been really good for finding community.
I wouldn’t have figured this out for myself were it not for one asexual Trekkie. This revelation has been so wonderfully emotionally liberating for me. Not only offering deep context to a lifetime of emotional confusion, but I feel so much more free to be myself out in the world. I can comfortably (if subtly – I’m an introvert!) flirt – with boys AND girls AND enbys – and not have to worry about sending the wrong message because I have the right vocabulary now to use if someone decides to reciprocate my flirting. I friggin love this for myself. Sorry, that was such a long answer!
What part of the asexual community do you identify as? Can you explain how that plays out for you and in your relationships?
I’m still figuring this out. I have definitely always been demisexual. With my ex-husband, that sexual attraction turned off like a tripped circuit breaker as soon as he stopped trying to be a good partner. But at this point in my life, I am 100000% uninterested in sex. But I would welcome romance, and that is open to any gender. Or non-gender. So, demi gray ace panromantic?
Are you ‘out’ as asexual?
Yes. I had a fun initial conversation with my closest people last year when I figured this out for myself. I would talk about it all day to anyone. That said, I am very aware of what being ‘out’ means to my queer friends who have had and continue to have difficult journeys in that space. For me, being out as an ace is no different than being out as an introvert. There isn’t the accompanying religious and political persecution and the outright violation of human rights. I prefer to use my energy and my voice to advocate for all of them.
What is something you wish more people understood about asexuality in general or your banner of asexuality?
I don’t have any personal anecdotes to share. I do imagine it’s a thing that is tough to truly understand from the outside. Sex is a most basic instinct across every level of the food chain. I acknowledge how strange it must seem to consider someone may not experience that instinct. Others have written about this far more eloquently than I could ever articulate.
Who is your fave asexual character in film, TV, books, or any other kind of media?
I am a lifelong fan of Star Trek and Doctor Who. I can see now, Doctor Who could easily be seen as ace. Data from The Next Generation is the most glorious example. Spock. Seven of Nine. T’Pol. I just binged through The Bear and Carmy is absolutely demisexual. I am SO in love with him.
Heidi’s story is incredibly relatable, regardless of age or gender. The complicated relationship she had with sex before settling into her asexual identity resonates with all the stories that we’ve shared so far. We have been trying really hard to highlight the unique differences that all these individual stories have from each other, but this time we think we want to highlight how Heidi’s story provides connection and commonalities with the others.
Thanks to Heidi for sharing your journey with the world!
Asexuality is everywhere, it is not uncommon, and it is a shared experience. Aces everywhere – you are not alone 🖤🤍💜
If you missed our previous Asexual Awareness Week features, you can check them out here. Follow us on X and Instagram for all queer stuff!
