All in My Family: A Chinese gay surrogacy story
On this Chinese Lunar New Year weekend, we are continuing our watch of Chinese queer-centered films that seem important to us. All in My Family is available on Netflix to watch and documents the journey of Hao Wu, a Chengdu-born Chinese man who left China at twenty years old so he could live life as the out-gay man that he wanted. He moved to America and did just that.
Now, Hao Wu lives in New York City as a documentary filmmaker, has a Chinese-American spouse, and has two kids who are both the product of surrogacy in the United States. Hao made the decision to document introducing his children to his very traditional Chinese family (back in China) and it definitely put us deep in our rainbow feels.
There are a lot of things about this documentary that made us feel incredibly sad for Hao Wu and all the queer people who grew up in China in his generation. But there are many things in this documentary that also made us feel warm and made us smile.
All in My Family was released in 2019 and this is not the first time we have watched this film. However, to celebrate all the unique and individual queer stories that come from China, we are spending this Lunar New Year weekend bringing in the year of the rabbit by watching and rewatching all the queer Chinese stories that resonate. And this is definitely one of them.
Here are all the things we love about All in My Family.
Exploration of Chinese culture
One of the things that we loved about this documentary the most was the unique experience of learning firsthand what it can be like living as a queer person in a Chinese family in China. The media coverage of issues in China is so politically charged these days that it is sometimes difficult to get a reading on the truth of whatever situation you’re trying to learn about.
Although Hao Wu has lived in the United States for over twenty years, his perspective is still valid. He is still very connected to his family, who all still live in China, and spends enough time in China for his work for his reality to be a truth.
Simply put, he left when he was twenty years old because he couldn’t live his life as a gay man. He says in the documentary that the only Western text he could find on homosexuality at the time told him that he had a mental illness, and his family members that he interviewed on the issue recount not knowing a lot about it at the time. Homosexuality was a hidden thing, not talked about, and not explored in public spaces at all.
The documentary takes place after his children are born and he decides to take them back to China to introduce them to his very traditional family. The differences between Western and Chinese cultures are stark in this documentary, but Hao does a great job of not demonizing one or the other. He lays each perspective out in the simple form that they are and allows viewers to take in what they are seeing on their own terms.
Documenting the family struggle
Although it is really uncomfortable to watch at times because our queer senses are often hurt by queer rejection, Hao Wu does an incredible job of showing his family the pain that was inflicted when he came out to them and doesn’t inject a bias into the narrative. It is clear that he doesn’t want viewers to think that his family’s pain is wrong because they had such a hard time with him being gay, but he wanted people to understand that it’s a complicated situation because of societal norms and pressures.
Throughout the documentary, his mother talks extensively on camera about how she struggled with the news that her only son was gay. She says it took her two or three years to really grapple with it and come to terms with that news. However, she says very clearly on camera, in her very abrasive manner, that she loves him way too much to not make peace with it and accept him for who he is.
Hao’s father also has some very cemented opinions about homosexuality and doesn’t really make any effort to hide them from the camera, or his son, but it’s also clear that he is a man who loves his son dearly and has figured out how to put his own upbringing, his own views, and his own indoctrination on the issue aside for his child.
But introducing children to the mix changes things. Hao’s mother is adamant that gay people should not have children and seems rather outraged by the fact that Hao and his partner would even consider such a thing. When the couple brings the kids home to China to meet the family, not everyone in the family knows that Hao is gay, and certainly doesn’t know that he has a male spouse and two surrogate kids.
Hao’s grandfather keeps asking about a wife, and his spouse is introduced to the man as a friend. During this trip, Hao makes the very difficult decision to not come out to his grandfather, despite the fact that it’s blindingly obvious that his children are the result of a non-traditional union and birth.
For us, people not born in China and not living through those family structures, this was a hard pill to swallow. However, the important thing is, Hao was happy with his decision and his children only brought his family closer, despite all the “irregularities” it posed to them all.
However, the most beautiful part of all of this is that despite their disapproval of Hao’s “choices”, that very traditional Chinese family rallied around Hao and his spouse and welcomed his children into the world. Hao still very much has a place in that family, despite his younger self questioning whether that would be possible.
Family
It is not illegal to be gay in China, but queer Chinese citizens do not enjoy the same rights as their heterosexual counterparts. They cannot adopt, or have children by a surrogate (neither can heterosexual people though, so there is that), they cannot own property together, cannot marry, civil unions are not recognized by the government, and lately, in China, the queer population has been under government scrutiny.
All in My Family sheds a little bit of light on why the LGBTQ community is so demonized in this culture. It all comes back to family, and the ability to procreate and keep the family genes running. At the pinnacle of Chinese culture are family, children, and everything that comes along with that.
Even when Hao told his parents that he and his partner were going to have kids and do exactly what they wanted, they received negative feedback about the fact that the children would not be blood. It was important to Hao that their egg donor was at least Chinese so they could satisfy that aspect of their family’s desires.
And the couple explains why this is the root cause that leads them to surrogacy and not adoption, despite the adoption needs all around the world.
The Hao family is just one story about one Chinese family, but they do tell a very good story. Hao’s discomfort in upsetting the status quo within his family is woven all the way through All in My Family, but it is also staunchly juxtaposed against a strong will to live his life the way he wants. If Hao Wu’s very traditional Chinese family can welcome a gay son, a gay spouse, and two kids via surrogacy into their fold, then others can too. The fact is, others have already, and others will in the future.
All in My Family is a documentation of just how the human spirit can change, how love can eventually conquer all hate and prejudice, and how just a little bit of education can make a profound impact. And, moreover, it shows how a population of people should not be judged based on the actions of a government that may not represent the people it governs in absolutes.
All in My Family is available to stream on Netflix now. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram for all queer stuff!
